Quiet.

I'm having a hard time enjoying the peace & quiet that comes during the evenings in which Glenn and the kids are all in bed relatively early.

I should be reveling in the joy of a couple hours to myself, but instead I find myself lonely.

Sad.

Anxious.

Depressed.

I could be scrapbooking, reading, folding clothes, day-dreaming, but instead I just sit.

And stare at the mind-numbing TV (can we just cancel our cable already???).

Or the computer.

I could be blogging and saying something, but instead I feel like nothing is good enough to say.

I mean, who wants to read about this crap?

And the rapture is happening tomorrow and I didn't even get to Flying Apron beforehand.

P.S. The rapture isn't really happening tomorrow.

P.P.S. Maybe soon I'll have something nice to say.

Finding My "Me Time"

Image credit: dbphotography on Flickr

I'm struggling to figure out what I really want for my "me time."

A couple weeks ago I had the great idea to go to a local coffee shop and read a book. Their coffee is delicious and I haven't been there in a long time because they didn't have rice milk (they do, however, have hemp milk but I haven't been too keen on wanting to try that). Anyway, since we've slowly been reintroducing soy (more on that later, but we think it may be going okay, or at least that he can tolerate smaller amounts in my breastmilk) I decided to go there and enjoy some me time.

Glenn took the kids and I headed out to the coffee shop. I had my copy of Unconditional Parenting in my purse and I was looking forward to reading. First thing I pull in to the shopping center and realize it's quite busy and there's nowhere close to park. I circle around and end up getting stuck in a line of cars waiting for the garbage trucks to empty every.single.dumpster. I immediately started getting anxious, but I reminded myself that I was alone, albeit in my car stuck waiting for the damn garbage man. I turned on some music and tried to relax. Finally I was able to park and walked over to the coffee shop.

It was packed.

If there's one thing I really don't like it's crowds. They cause almost immediate anxiety for me. It definitely wasn't quiet in there. I ordered my coffee and decided to try and sit and read for a short while.

I texted a friend and joked that the next time I got out for quiet time I was going to head to the university library.

It just wasn't what I needed that day. I came home and realized that Glenn and the kids were still out. I took a long shower. I read a bit at home.

I know I really need to get out for some time to myself. It's nice to be at home when Glenn takes the kids out, but I really thrive when I can get out.

I'm just going to have to find a new spot. Like the quiet corner in the Health Sciences Library where I read journal article after journal article for many a day.

Maybe a walk by myself?

Any local friends know a quiet coffee shop?

What do you do for time to yourself? Do you find it difficult to get out and actually meet your needs?

Sticks. And Stones. And Words.

To this day my mother finds it necessary to tell me what an awful little child I was.

Horrible.


A terror.

Two thoughts come to my mind as these things come up. As I look at my lovely, spirited, sometimes challenging daughter I wonder how anyone could possibly label their child with such awful words, no matter what they were doing. I also wonder why there is any need to keep talking about this nearly thirty years later.

Perhaps it bothers my mother that I have a completely different outlook on parenting and children than she did. Perhaps to admit that I really wasn't such a horrible little demon after all would cause her to have to re-examine her role as a parent. I don't know. I know that my actions so often retold (over and over again) don't really seem that out of the ordinary to me. I dumped all the diapers out of the pail and all over the floor? I'm sure many a child has done that. Was jealous of my little sister, unsure of my new-found role in the family and acted out for love and attention? Check, check and check.

For over thirty years I have accepted the "fact" that I must've been a really difficult child. Becoming a mother (and growing personally in my role as one) (and therapy) has made me realize that there really wasn't anything wrong with the way I acted as a child. I was normal. I wasn't a bad three year-old, nor was I a terror to be around. I was a kid. A kid who did kid things and expressed myself the only way I knew how.

Perhaps these realizations are what makes me really ache when Beanie is having a rough time. I view what she's experiencing through the eyes of three-year old me. But it's not the same for her. She's free to be whomever she wants to be, her parents love and support her no matter what she does and we enjoy the good times and take the more difficult ones as opportunities to grow.

Minimizing Distractions and Focusing on What Really Matters

I've been working at really being present with my kids. Not checking emails on my phone or thinking about the chores that need to be done. Just being completely present, enjoying their company and giving them my undivided attention.

I'm still not back on Facebook. I miss some things about it, but other things not at all. I'll be back. Someday.

Right now I'm enjoying getting back to what really matters.

Branson over at My Reflection of Something contacted me to write a guest post about distractions and focusing on what's important. I jumped at the chance. I've been meaning to write about it for quite awhile (I think I have a draft from back in December) and I was excited to finally get it all typed out.

Head on over, check it out and join the discussion there.

Minimizing Distractions and Focusing on What Really Matters

(And, while you're there, check out some of Branson's photography -- it's great!)

Menu Plan Monday: April 25

We had a really good week last week. The yam and black bean burritos were a hit! They were a quite delicious start to our goal of one vegetarian meal a week and we will definitely be making them again. Soon. We'll probably add another can of black beans next time, but no changes otherwise!

Shabby cell phone pic of definitely-not-shabby yam & black bean tacos.

Glenn also had the idea to take out cash for our weekly food budget each week and then when it's gone, it's gone. Food is really where we spend the most money (and blow our budget). It's hard to keep our budget as low as we'd like (or, really, we need) when I am on this restricted diet. Not that we used to eat a lot of crap anyway, but still. It's still more expensive. I will be excited when the farmers markets start up next month; it will be something fun to do with the kids and we can stock up on good fruits and vegetables.

This week our cash is in an envelope -- we'll see how it goes. We'll have to save up any leftover money for our Costco trip. I'm hoping to cut those back, too.

Indonesian Chicken

All menus are wheat-free, dairy-free and soy-free, or easily adapted to be.

Sunday: Pasta sauce from freezer with Trader Joe's organic rice pasta
Monday: Sloppy Lennies
Tuesday: Meatloaf Muffins with mashed potatoes and green salad
Wednesday: Indonesian Chicken served over steamed spinach and rice (sub Coconut Aminos for soy sauce)
Thursday: Leftover night
Friday: Breakfast for dinner
Saturday: BBQ Chicken with homemade potato salad and green salad with strawberries

Click on over to I'm an Organizing Junkie for more menu planning ideas.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for many things.

Sometimes I feel stuck. In limbo.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Or like a time bomb about to explode.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ninety, not thirty-one. I can barely walk. I'm in so much pain. My head is pounding. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a big fat failure at this parenting thing.

Sometimes I want to get out for some time to myself, but I just don't know where. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even long enough to order a coffee.

Sometimes I look at my daughter, her hair glistening in the sun and smile wide across her face, and wonder how I got so lucky.

Sometimes I look down at my son as he smiles at me while he's nursing and know I wouldn't trade anything for being where I am.

Sometimes I look in to my husband's eyes and know that I couldn't have a better partner in all of this.

Fortunately the good sometimes are starting to outweigh the bad ones.

Sunday Surf: April 24

 

I unplugged a bit more than I had originally intended for Screen Free Week and it was really, really nice.

I did have the opportunity to read some really good stuff over the week though and here are some of my favorites.

• Annie at PhD in Parenting writes about body image in Do you like you?
• Teacher Tom talks about how education (and teaching) is nothing special; Education is Life Itself
• I couldn't agree more with Mamapoekie's take on normalizing extended breastfeeding.
• Brittany at Birth Unplugged is writing a series on Birth Idealization Traps. Her first post is on The Trap of Idealizing the Intervention-Free Birth.
• I love this post on Embracing Our Flaws and Mistakes as Mothers over at Postpartum Progress. This is something I've really been working on.

Head on over to Authentic Parenting for more Sunday Surfing.

Menu Plan Monday: April 18

Another attempt at weekly menu planning. We've actually been doing pretty well. I was going to try and post up last week, but didn't get around to it. I realized nothing I was making had any links so you didn't miss much!

I didn't go grocery shopping today, so I'm hoping that doesn't throw a kink in things. We have plans every day this week. It really helps us to go shopping just once, but with playdates every day, four doctor appointments, and family in town we're going to have to work to make that happen! One shopping trip -- I'm aiming for Monday afternoon before my chiropractic appointment or maybe Glenn can take the kids with him while I'm at my appointment.

Enough about that, here's our weekly menu plan:

All menus are wheat-free, dairy-free and soy-free, or easily adapted to be.

Sunday: La Bamba casserole (no cheese)
Monday: Chicken and Dumplings (we're going to try the gluten-free Bisquik for the dumplings this time. We usually use Bob's Red Mill gluten free biscuit mix, but Glenn doesn't care for it much.)
Tuesday: Stuffed Peppers
Wednesday: Broccoli Beef (I use Coconut Aminos in place of the soy sauce)
Thursday: BBQ Chicken (crossing fingers for good weather) and Texas quinoa salad (I'm going to try and recreate a chilled salad I got at PCC -- it was quinoa with tomatoes, chiles, roasted red pepper, and cilantro)
Friday:  Yam and Black Bean Burritos (I think we are going to start trying for one vegetarian meal a week. I'm really excited about this! Glenn just wants to make sure we have good recipes to cycle through. We had these at our friend's house and they're delicious! So, send me some vegetarian recipes!)
Saturday: ??? We have family in town and are coloring Easter eggs, so who knows. Maybe leftovers? Maybe we'll go out?

I'm linked up over at I'm an Organizing Junkie so click on over for more menu planning ideas.

Sunday Surf: April 17

Not much reading this last week with a never-ending migraine, a hectic week with kiddos and more, but I did want to share a few things I really enjoyed this last week.

Did you check out the Carnival of Natural Parenting? This month's theme was compassionate advocacy. Here are a few of my favorite posts. I can't wait to go through and read some more of this month's posts.

• Just Be; Just Do from Amy at Anktangle
• Passionate and Compassionate: How Do We Do It from Kelly at Becoming Crunchy
• Everyday Superheroes from Code Name: Mama 

And a few more:

• I liked this post from Natural Born Mama about how no one really fits neatly into one category or another in the so-called mommy wars.
• Some good information about Vitamin D supplementation while breastfeeding.
• Don't forget to check out the Natural Parenting Blog Party.

Sort of a lackluster week, but, hey, that's how it goes sometimes. I'm hoping for a headache free week this week. I'm back to using my Posture Pump after giving it a break for a few days, so I'm hoping things keep moving in the right direction.

Screen-Free Week: April 18-24

Screen-Free Week is this week, April 18-24. And just in time.

This morning I was making breakfast sandwiches for everyone and Beanie comes in the kitchen singing, "It's fun for you...It's fun for me..."

What song is that, I thought.

Yes, my daughter was singing the Xfinity advertisement.

I think she had just heard it on the TV as Glenn flipped it on, but still.

We don't watch much TV with the kids, but we have been watching more than I'd like lately. With PPD, horrible back pain, neck pain and headaches and a teething one year old it's been easy to slip into the habit of turning it on in the morning and then just leaving it on. I'm okay with our normal TV habits with Beanie -- a show while I nurse Bubby down for nap and a show or two before bedtime. I would like to get away from mindlessly having the TV on and from her seeing any parts of adult shows. Or Xfinity ads because, damnit, now I have that tune in my head.

Where I'd really like to make a change is with my screen habits. I don't turn on the computer unless everyone is sleeping or Glenn is with the kids. I don't really watch TV until everyone is in bed either. But, I check Facebook and emails all the time on my smart phone. Mindlessly check it. Do I really need to check it 200 times a day? Did anyone comment on my status? Does anyone like my picture? Did anyone read my link? Does anyone like me??? I'm in a place where I've been taking things too personally too, so I really feel the need to step back. I had to do it before with my online mommy boards. Now it's time to cut ties with Facebook, at least temporarily. I'm going to deactivate my account for a week. A friend suggested that was extreme, but I know if I don't actually deactivate it I will check it. "Hello, my name is Kristen and I'm addicted to Facebook." As for emails, do I need to feel like I should drop everything and check that email the instant it arrives? Do I need to respond lest I forget later when I actually get on the computer? And, no mind-numbing TV in the evenings. I just have it on for noise, mostly, because there aren't many shows I like watching lately. Except Food Revolution just started.

So, I'm going to unplug more. I'm not committing to being screen free. In fact, I know I won't be. I'll check emails once or twice a day. I'll blog if I feel like it. The point is to be more mindful of media and how we interact with it.

Are you participating in Screen Free Week 2011? What are your plans?