Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

I've had that nagging feeling that I want to write and tinker around with the blog. I hadn't been feeling that way in awhile, but it's sort of been creeping up on my for the last week or so. I want to change a few things, write about a few things, reconnect a bit, and have some fun.

I also saw that the theme for September NaBloPoMo (which, as I've said before is now apparently NaBloPoeachandeveryMo) is 'Return" which seems somewhat fitting, so I'll probably give it a go and see where my writing leads me.

So, I guess I'll play around here for a few days and get to writing. I'll leave you with a bit of an update for now...

I'm still on the Zoloft and it seems to be helping a lot. We've adjusted my dose a bit and things are going well.

While I've been feeling pretty well emotionally, physically has been another thing. About two-and-a-half weeks ago I woke up in immense pain -- joint pain everywhere and muscle pain on top of it. It localized in my right arm and hand, to the point where I couldn't pick up a tortilla chip, grasp my phone or move the mouse without my hand aching terribly. One night on the way home from dinner my lips and tongue were numb. Things have been mentioned that scare me. Fibromyalgia. Progressive neurological disorder. Rheumatoid arthritis. I don't really have a clue what is going on. The pain is gone now and I'm back to just normal neck stiffness. I went to see a general practitioner and they drew a bunch of blood to test. I think they checked everything under the sun -- the general stuff, along with thyroid, iron, vitamin d, potassium, blood sugar, ran a rheum panel, and a few other things I can't remember. I'm waiting to hear the results. So, that really sucks.

I've been working on focusing on me, my marriage, and my children. I worked out in the garden the last couple days (somewhat amazing considering how I felt last week) and have high hopes for a vegetable garden in the next year or so. I know next to nothing about gardening, so I'll have to do my research. We've been working at eating more locally and it doesn't get any more local than your own backyard. I've been reading a lot. Finished Raising Your Spirited Child (which, I swear, the author wrote about Beanie) and am now reading Parenting Beyond Belief. I just ordered Raising Freethinkers with an old Borders gift card I found so I'm excited for that too.

Right now I'm sipping a coconut milk mocha and having some time for myself. I've been trying to be more vigilant at speaking up and taking time for myself, but it's been hit or miss the last few days. It feels nice to be sitting here alone.

It feels nice to be blogging.

A Mish-Mosh of Utter Randomness

Wow, it's been awhile, eh?

Where to start?

******

I started taking Zoloft four weeks ago. After feeling like I would surely lose my damn mind for about 48hours (which, not so awesomely coincided with the preparation for Beanie's party and the party) and feeling like intermittent waves of panic would strike at any time for about a week, I am happy to say that I am feeling better than I have in the last 16.5months. Probably. Still having some ebb and flow (to be expected I suppose) and I'm still on a very low dose. I also have a prescription for Klonopin for panic attacks, but, luckily, have only had to take 1/4 pill. Once.

I wasn't really feeling like blogging during this transition time. It was a difficult decision for me to go on the meds, one I've probably been considering since I started therapy back in December. It was time though. I haven't been the mom, wife, friend, person I've wanted to be in awhile. But, things are looking up. I may talk about it more later. I may not for awhile. I am glad I made this decision because I do think it's helping. I'm hoping it will be the little extra oomph I need to get to doing the things I know will really help me feel better.

******

Beanie's party was a big success. I'm absolutely certain she had a blast. She is already planning her fifth birthday party (and, I think, has been since two days after she turned four).

My little pirate.

******

I've been staying away from virtually all television and computer time in the evenings. I've found that if I read before bed I fall asleep more easily. So nice to not have a busy mind at bedtime. I've also covered up the alarm clock in the room (should probably just get it out of the room all together because we never use it) and it really helps to not have that awkward light in the room during those nighttime nursing sessions (which there have been a lot of lately as Bubby is cutting all four one-year molars at once). I haven't really felt like blogging even until the last few days. I've been trying to focus on myself, my family and the house. I've been reading mostly non-fiction (finished In Defense of Food (loved!!) and am reading Raising Your Spirited Child (Beanie to a T!!)).

******

What else? My neck and back had been feeling pretty good until a set back late last week. I now feel horrible again, at least in my neck. Had a good adjustment at the chiropractor today so I'm hoping things are looking up again soon. Was hoping this would be my last month of going so often and I could just drop in for the next few months until my insurance kicks in again for the new year. We shall see. Maybe I'll win the lotto between now and August 1st? Would help if I played, no?

******

I'll be around more often I hope. I'm here. Just working on taking care of me. I have a little blog project I'm working on (so far I'm just working on it in my head so we'll see what materializes) and I do miss reading others' blogs too.

Until next time....

Three Strikes.

This last weekend included a lot of

vomitting,

laundry,

crankiness,

sibling rivalry,

anxiety,

and birthday party planning.

And not a lot of blogging.

Perhaps June, with all it's plans and busyness, wasn't the best month to revitalize my blogging self and try to blog every day....

On Food: Part One

Last month Glenn came home from work and told me about what he's heard on NPR earlier that day. Author Michael Pollan had been on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. I hadn't heard of Pollan or his books, but what Glenn heard peaked my interest and now I'd really like to read The Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food. Actually, friends have told me they are very similar.

It's not that we ate horribly before, but if there's one thing I'm thankful for over this food journey with Bubby, it's that we are more aware of what we eat. We now eat a predominantly whole foods diet. We sort of have to, but I'm not sure we'd want to go back even if we could.

Like I said, we didn't eat a terrible diet before, but we just weren't aware. The classic example I give is when Glenn went out and bought a different brand of tomato paste than we usually use. He didn't look at the label and when I looked (after dumping it in our homemade pasta sauce of course!) I noticed the can said "Contains wheat, dairy, and soy."

What??!?!

Shouldn't it contain, I don't know, tomatoes and, um, paste?

All silliness aside, we didn't really pay attention to the extra stuff in our food. At first I'd get upset because Glenn didn't read labels as closely as I did. Then he started noticing. "This has soybean oil in it? Why?" Soy is a sneaky one. Check your pantry and I'm sure you'll find it places you didn't think you would.

We are devout label readers now. We have to be. At least we don't have to read as many labels since our shopping cart is primarily full of fresh foods. But I like that we're more aware of what we are putting in our bodies and that we are, in turn, teaching our children to be more aware as well. Beanie eats pretty darn well as is. She's never had a soda. We don't drink juice. She knows that McDonalds is a place "some people" go to eat. I was amazed when she told my dad that we had to take the jam back (Glenn had purchased the one on sale without double checking the label) because it had "stuff in it that isn't good for people," namely high fructose corn syrup and corn syrup. Really, both. And sugar. Bleh.

We're far from perfect. I don't claim to be. Beanie's favorite quick breakfast is an Eggo waffle (I'm thinking I should just make a big batch of waffles and freeze them? Or atleast starting to buy frozen waffles with an ingredient list that is a bit shorter). Until I watched Food Revolution I could down a whole box of Mike & Ike's in one sitting. But, we're making progress. We're getting there.

It's Friday and I'm off to catch up on Food Revolution. Love that show!

"I want nobody to take care of him."

Those were the days....

It took nearly fifteen months, but today it happened.

And by it I mean Beanie asked to get rid of her brother.

I actually was surprised it didn't happen sooner, especially with his non-stop crying and colic before we figured out he had food sensitivities.

This afternoon/early evening she was having a very difficult time. I think she spent the majority of time in time out (which I somewhat reluctantly started trying with her when she hit her brother. I haven't been big on time-outs, but the constant clotheslining, hitting, shoving, and pushing of her brother had to stop and my therapist suggested trying this). She was overly tired and, at the same time, a constant ball of energy -- running around, jumping, screaming, and on and on. After her ten-millionth time out (or did it just seem that way?), she finally let it all out.

"No babies...no babies...no babies."

"I don't want a brother."

"I want it to be just mama....dada...and [Beanie]."

"How can we get rid of him?"

"What can I do? I don't like angry people."

"I want nobody to take care of him."

And there went my heart, broken in two. We try so much to give her individual attention and it just seems never to be enough. I have forsaken any opportunity to tidy up, establish some sense of order, etc while Bubby naps just to spend all my time one-on-one with her. Glenn and I set aside time for "dates" with her.

Bubby has been crankier than usual (hence the "angry people" statement). His bottom gums are incredibly swollen where his molars are (hopefully) about to cut through. He seems to be in the midst of a growth spurt. He can't decide whether he's a one-a-day napper or two. We tried the soy somewhat unsuccessfully (more on that later). He's at that stage where he wants to do a lot of things that he isn't ready to, or things he just can't (like play in the garbage or with the toilet water) so he's easily frustrated. It is frustrating to me; I can't figure out what's wrong with him. Any help I give seems marginal at best. I imagine it is 100x more frustrating for an almost four-year old who doesn't really have the ability to comprehend what it going on.

I held her and we talked. I assured her that it was okay to feel that way and that I was glad she told me. I knew this was likely and, dare I say, normal. Her actions have been telling us these feelings for some time now, but this was the first time she ever said it all out loud. I'm pretty sure I felt exactly the same way about my little sister when I was young; I'm also pretty sure I was not allowed to feel that way. I want her to feel okay expressing these things, they don't need to be hidden away, she isn't bad for feeling them -- all those things I was made to feel when I was younger. I'm going to try my hardest to support her in any and every way I know.

It still breaks my heart though. I'd give anything for each of them, and hate to see Beanie in so much turmoil. I feel like I've failed her somehow. Obviously, this is a huge trigger for me and I'm just so sad tonight. What an end to an already rough evening.

If you're a mom of two (or more), how have you gotten through this stage?

"Girls Can Be Pirates Too."

Image credit: mikebaird on Flickr

Beanie will be four at the end of the month. As birthday planning commenced (a whole six months before her birthday) Beanie decided that she wanted to have a pirate birthday party. Cool, I thought. It's a nice change from the princess party, a character party, or etc. We play pirates quite a bit; she sets up chairs to make a pirate ship, she has a telescope, and we go digging from treasure around the house. A pirate birthday is perfect for my little girl.

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if we're doing "girly pirates,"  as if girl pirates need to have heart-shaped eye-patches and pink clothing. I overheard my father-in-law telling her about piratesses (???) and later she told me that grandpa said she could be a pirate queen or princess. The pirate stuff was in the boy's section at one of the party stores we checked out.

Glenn and I told her that if people started telling her what kind of pirate she "had" to be, that she could just reply, "Girls can be pirates too!"

Because they can.

And they can be any kind of pirate they want to be.

On Hold

I had a copy of Raising Your Spirited Child on hold at the library. I didn't pick it up in time, so I guess I'll have to put a hold on it again.

Darn. I really have a feeling it could come in handy.

I mean REALLY.

Especially these last few days.

Menu Plan Monday: 06/06

This week is save money and go through the freezer week. We're trying to stick to $125/week for groceries (including Costco). I'm sure this sounds outrageous to my couponing friends, but between my special diet, trying to eat organic when we can, and Costco (which I'm really trying to figure out if it's worth it for us; we've cut down to only absolute staples there and we try to find them on sale elsewhere beforehand. It's nice to know we can get some ground turkey at a reasonable price if our freezer stock is gone though) $125 adds up fast.

I've also tried to really cut back on the food items I buy. Like coconut milk coffee creamer is A MUST. Cannot live without. But gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free waffles? More like a once in awhile thing. It's hard because I still go through phases where I feel like there's nothing in the house I can eat, but I try to make sure I have an adequate supply. Like today I got two Lara Bars and two Amande yogurts (almond milk yogurts which are pretty good; I wasn't a fan of the coconut milk yogurt I tried so we checked this one out. Tasty, but little nutritional value; I think I'm just in a missing dairy phase...). Also trying to stock up on fresh fruits & vegetables and nuts for my evening snacks. I guess I'm just mostly trying to eat foods that are naturally free of gluten, dairy and soy.

Enough rambling. Here's our menu.

All menus are gluten-free, dairy-free and soy-free, or easily adapted to be.

Sunday: Turkey Tostadas
Monday: BBQ Chicken with homemade potato salad and fresh veggies
Tuesday: Vegetarian Stuffed Peppers (we're winging this -- some sort of concoction with lentils, rice, veggies, etc)
Wednesday: Breakfast for Dinner
Thursday: BBQ Pork, polenta and green salad
Friday: Leftovers
Saturday: ??? We'll have to grocery shop again on Friday so....

Sunday Surf: Late Edition

I haven't really been reading a lot lately. Well, except for links I see on Facebook. I'm trying to get back in to reading the blogs I enjoy, but here are some of the best things I read last week:

• I was sad to read  in Bringing Nature Play Back that the average child spends only a 1/2hour per week engaged in unstructured outdoor play. I really like the idea of a dedicated digging pit. One of my favorite memories is playing for hours with my sister digging and playing in the dirt. I'm sort of sad we don't have a dirt area for the kids to dig in; they can help with the garden (once we finally get it going), but I think we'll save some garden boxes or get containers that are their own little spaces, too.
• There's a Summer Reading Challenge over at No Time for Flash Cards.
• Enter to win an Ergo baby carrier over at Job Description: Mommy. Or don't, giving me a better chance to win (just kidding!)
• A good reminder to take a break from technology and Be in the Moment. 
• A good overview of carseat types and information over at The Stir.
• Amanda at Let's Take the Metro reminds us that by believing that we are enough we teach our children that they are too in I am Enough.

I haven't linked up (maybe I will when I get regular with posting these), but you can check out more Sunday Surfing over at Authentic Parenting.

Just what I needed

Quite awhile back I'd scheduled a mom's afternoon out for today. Just a quick trip to a local coffee shop. I always feel like I can be a better parent when I take the time to refresh and rejuvenate. I've been involved in other mom's groups that do a lot of mom's night outs, but those never really work for me (since, you know, my kiddos fall asleep by nursing). I'm glad there's a pretty good response in our AP group for afternoon mom's only events; babes in arms are always welcome and, in fact, even those that don't always like to stay in arms are welcome, too.

As today started I found myself wishing everyone would just cancel and I didn't have to go. I get in moods like that sometimes. Bubby has been very cranky lately (molars, a bit of a cold last week and the soy reintroduction turned out to be the triple threat) and only mom will do. Beanie has been having an especially rough time; it finally clicked that it's probably quite taxing on her to have an upset little brother screaming and hollering all the time, too. As I was getting ready to leave, both kids were sprawled out on the hallway carpet, not happy campers. Glenn got them up and took them in to the back yard and I finished getting ready. I said my goodbyes and made my way to the coffee shop.

It was just what I needed. Many times when I start feeling like our day is spiraling out of control I feel like just hunkering down and staying in. I forgot how much a change of scenery can help, not only for the kids, but for me too.

I sat outside in the sunshine (it's absolutely gorgeous here this weekend!), tried hemp milk for the first time (it was good, but I think I prefer rice milk lattes), and made a new friend. The other mom I met is also gluten-free, dairy-free and soy-free (imagine that!) so we had lots to talk about. Her daughter is just a week older than Beanie and they attend a local UU (Unitarian Universalist) congregation (do you call UU establishments "churches," I don't know. Not something we're interested in right now, but I've definitely thought of it.)


My sister came over later and we played outside with the kids, BBQ'd, and roasted marshmallows. It was a good day.

Sometimes when I just want to hunker down and hide from the world I really just need to get out and confront the day head on. Easier said than done.