Is it really the end of 2011?

It's been pretty quiet here. Last year I resolved to add myself to the list of people I took care of. I think I did pretty well with that. I know that I am doing so much better than I was last year at this time. I'm sure weekly therapy sessions for the last 13 months and (later) Zoloft have helped with that. The PPD/PPA has lessened and while I deal with my normal propensity toward anxiety, things are much improved. I feel like I can handle what comes my way.

If last year was about taking care of me, then this year will be about focusing on my marriage and my family. Now that I'm feeling whole again I can work on those other things.

Earlier today I read a friend's status on Facebook and it said that her focus in 2012 was going to be on balance and simplicity. I couldn't have said it better. I also hope to strive toward a more balanced and simple life. I just finished reading Simplicity Parenting and I think it provided some great food for thought. We aren't really over-the-top with our toys or activities, but there are some areas in which I know we could simplify and make things better. First, my cluttered house; both Glenn and I felt better when we had the condo for sale and everything was neat and tidy, and I'd like to get to that place in this house too. I'd like to cut back on being tethered to my phone, Facebook, and (my new love) Pinterest. I have this divine plan of divvying up the household chores into daily, weekly, and monthly tasks. I have a spreadsheet set up and I really think it will make things more manageable for me, especially because I become overwhelmed at the sheer amount of things I feel must get done.

Things have been going well, really well, the last few months. Maybe my quiet made people assume otherwise, but I've just been focusing on what's really important to me. I've been working on getting to the place I want to be in life. I haven't really felt like blogging about it. I've thought of writing in a journal (how old school lol), but haven't really done that either.

I'll wrap up with a list of things I'm looking forward to in 2012:

• Monthly (at least) dates with the hubby (thanks sis for the babysitting coupons for Christmas)
• Planning and starting our backyard garden
• Canning and preserving with my new pressure canner
• Trying out more vegetarian and vegan meals
• Having an organized home
• My work days at Beanie's preschool (since we signed up late I haven't actually had a work day yet)
• Starting some sort of regular exercise again -- I'm thinking yoga and Hubby got me a Kinect and some games for Christmas
• Going more green. As part of our very frugal holidays we made body scrubs for family members. I want to explore making more body care items. I've been using homemade cleaner for a bit here and I LOVE IT.

All right. I think that's it for now. Onward and upward.

Have a safe & happy New Year's Eve.

Sunday Surf: 09/04

I've finally gotten in to reading blogs again after quite a long hiatus. Just getting back in to it, but I've read a few really good things over the last week (or so). Here are a few of them:

• Since we've been having some issues with four year old defiance (I keep reminding myself that her persistence and intensity will serve her well later in life), I really liked 10 Secrets Every Parent Needs to Know about Saying No at Aha! Parenting.
• This video where the Car Seat Lady explains the new AAP car seat recommendations is a must see.
• Just for fun -- 12 Great Parenting Products for Traumatizing Your Baby.
• Oh yes, Twitter. I suck at it. And this guest post over at 5 Minutes for Mom let me know there's good reason for it & I'm not the only one! I am in love with the Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick, probably because my artistic ability is about at the level of stick figures.
• Education has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because next year Beanie will be in kindergarten and I'm having some second thoughts about not doing preschool this year, but Teacher Tom reminds us that Hey, It's not a Race!
• Not a blog post, but this thread at CarSeat.Org is great for learning how to do the harness pinch test on your child's carseat.
• This post by Amber at Beyond Postpartum really hit home for me as I've been working hard at breaking the cycle of anxiety and worry.

Head on over to Authentic Parenting for more Sunday Surfing.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

I've had that nagging feeling that I want to write and tinker around with the blog. I hadn't been feeling that way in awhile, but it's sort of been creeping up on my for the last week or so. I want to change a few things, write about a few things, reconnect a bit, and have some fun.

I also saw that the theme for September NaBloPoMo (which, as I've said before is now apparently NaBloPoeachandeveryMo) is 'Return" which seems somewhat fitting, so I'll probably give it a go and see where my writing leads me.

So, I guess I'll play around here for a few days and get to writing. I'll leave you with a bit of an update for now...

I'm still on the Zoloft and it seems to be helping a lot. We've adjusted my dose a bit and things are going well.

While I've been feeling pretty well emotionally, physically has been another thing. About two-and-a-half weeks ago I woke up in immense pain -- joint pain everywhere and muscle pain on top of it. It localized in my right arm and hand, to the point where I couldn't pick up a tortilla chip, grasp my phone or move the mouse without my hand aching terribly. One night on the way home from dinner my lips and tongue were numb. Things have been mentioned that scare me. Fibromyalgia. Progressive neurological disorder. Rheumatoid arthritis. I don't really have a clue what is going on. The pain is gone now and I'm back to just normal neck stiffness. I went to see a general practitioner and they drew a bunch of blood to test. I think they checked everything under the sun -- the general stuff, along with thyroid, iron, vitamin d, potassium, blood sugar, ran a rheum panel, and a few other things I can't remember. I'm waiting to hear the results. So, that really sucks.

I've been working on focusing on me, my marriage, and my children. I worked out in the garden the last couple days (somewhat amazing considering how I felt last week) and have high hopes for a vegetable garden in the next year or so. I know next to nothing about gardening, so I'll have to do my research. We've been working at eating more locally and it doesn't get any more local than your own backyard. I've been reading a lot. Finished Raising Your Spirited Child (which, I swear, the author wrote about Beanie) and am now reading Parenting Beyond Belief. I just ordered Raising Freethinkers with an old Borders gift card I found so I'm excited for that too.

Right now I'm sipping a coconut milk mocha and having some time for myself. I've been trying to be more vigilant at speaking up and taking time for myself, but it's been hit or miss the last few days. It feels nice to be sitting here alone.

It feels nice to be blogging.

A Mish-Mosh of Utter Randomness

Wow, it's been awhile, eh?

Where to start?

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I started taking Zoloft four weeks ago. After feeling like I would surely lose my damn mind for about 48hours (which, not so awesomely coincided with the preparation for Beanie's party and the party) and feeling like intermittent waves of panic would strike at any time for about a week, I am happy to say that I am feeling better than I have in the last 16.5months. Probably. Still having some ebb and flow (to be expected I suppose) and I'm still on a very low dose. I also have a prescription for Klonopin for panic attacks, but, luckily, have only had to take 1/4 pill. Once.

I wasn't really feeling like blogging during this transition time. It was a difficult decision for me to go on the meds, one I've probably been considering since I started therapy back in December. It was time though. I haven't been the mom, wife, friend, person I've wanted to be in awhile. But, things are looking up. I may talk about it more later. I may not for awhile. I am glad I made this decision because I do think it's helping. I'm hoping it will be the little extra oomph I need to get to doing the things I know will really help me feel better.

******

Beanie's party was a big success. I'm absolutely certain she had a blast. She is already planning her fifth birthday party (and, I think, has been since two days after she turned four).

My little pirate.

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I've been staying away from virtually all television and computer time in the evenings. I've found that if I read before bed I fall asleep more easily. So nice to not have a busy mind at bedtime. I've also covered up the alarm clock in the room (should probably just get it out of the room all together because we never use it) and it really helps to not have that awkward light in the room during those nighttime nursing sessions (which there have been a lot of lately as Bubby is cutting all four one-year molars at once). I haven't really felt like blogging even until the last few days. I've been trying to focus on myself, my family and the house. I've been reading mostly non-fiction (finished In Defense of Food (loved!!) and am reading Raising Your Spirited Child (Beanie to a T!!)).

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What else? My neck and back had been feeling pretty good until a set back late last week. I now feel horrible again, at least in my neck. Had a good adjustment at the chiropractor today so I'm hoping things are looking up again soon. Was hoping this would be my last month of going so often and I could just drop in for the next few months until my insurance kicks in again for the new year. We shall see. Maybe I'll win the lotto between now and August 1st? Would help if I played, no?

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I'll be around more often I hope. I'm here. Just working on taking care of me. I have a little blog project I'm working on (so far I'm just working on it in my head so we'll see what materializes) and I do miss reading others' blogs too.

Until next time....

Quiet.

I'm having a hard time enjoying the peace & quiet that comes during the evenings in which Glenn and the kids are all in bed relatively early.

I should be reveling in the joy of a couple hours to myself, but instead I find myself lonely.

Sad.

Anxious.

Depressed.

I could be scrapbooking, reading, folding clothes, day-dreaming, but instead I just sit.

And stare at the mind-numbing TV (can we just cancel our cable already???).

Or the computer.

I could be blogging and saying something, but instead I feel like nothing is good enough to say.

I mean, who wants to read about this crap?

And the rapture is happening tomorrow and I didn't even get to Flying Apron beforehand.

P.S. The rapture isn't really happening tomorrow.

P.P.S. Maybe soon I'll have something nice to say.

Finding My "Me Time"

Image credit: dbphotography on Flickr

I'm struggling to figure out what I really want for my "me time."

A couple weeks ago I had the great idea to go to a local coffee shop and read a book. Their coffee is delicious and I haven't been there in a long time because they didn't have rice milk (they do, however, have hemp milk but I haven't been too keen on wanting to try that). Anyway, since we've slowly been reintroducing soy (more on that later, but we think it may be going okay, or at least that he can tolerate smaller amounts in my breastmilk) I decided to go there and enjoy some me time.

Glenn took the kids and I headed out to the coffee shop. I had my copy of Unconditional Parenting in my purse and I was looking forward to reading. First thing I pull in to the shopping center and realize it's quite busy and there's nowhere close to park. I circle around and end up getting stuck in a line of cars waiting for the garbage trucks to empty every.single.dumpster. I immediately started getting anxious, but I reminded myself that I was alone, albeit in my car stuck waiting for the damn garbage man. I turned on some music and tried to relax. Finally I was able to park and walked over to the coffee shop.

It was packed.

If there's one thing I really don't like it's crowds. They cause almost immediate anxiety for me. It definitely wasn't quiet in there. I ordered my coffee and decided to try and sit and read for a short while.

I texted a friend and joked that the next time I got out for quiet time I was going to head to the university library.

It just wasn't what I needed that day. I came home and realized that Glenn and the kids were still out. I took a long shower. I read a bit at home.

I know I really need to get out for some time to myself. It's nice to be at home when Glenn takes the kids out, but I really thrive when I can get out.

I'm just going to have to find a new spot. Like the quiet corner in the Health Sciences Library where I read journal article after journal article for many a day.

Maybe a walk by myself?

Any local friends know a quiet coffee shop?

What do you do for time to yourself? Do you find it difficult to get out and actually meet your needs?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for many things.

Sometimes I feel stuck. In limbo.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Or like a time bomb about to explode.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ninety, not thirty-one. I can barely walk. I'm in so much pain. My head is pounding. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a big fat failure at this parenting thing.

Sometimes I want to get out for some time to myself, but I just don't know where. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even long enough to order a coffee.

Sometimes I look at my daughter, her hair glistening in the sun and smile wide across her face, and wonder how I got so lucky.

Sometimes I look down at my son as he smiles at me while he's nursing and know I wouldn't trade anything for being where I am.

Sometimes I look in to my husband's eyes and know that I couldn't have a better partner in all of this.

Fortunately the good sometimes are starting to outweigh the bad ones.

Friendship & Finding Support in Trying Times

Image credit: paris_corrupted on Flickr

If a year ago you would have told me that I'd have the most difficult year of my life, I would've had a few people in mind who I would've said would really be there for me. The list would've been short, for sure, but I'm sad that most of them haven't been there for me.

I'll be the first to admit I've been a crappy friend (wife, sister, daughter, fill in the blank here) this last year. I don't return calls. I cancel plans. I ignore (or just plain forget about) emails. But, the people who keep reaching out to me? You mean more to me than you could know right now.

I don't know why I've had this on my mind so much lately. Over the last year we've made new friends who have offered support and help many times (although, admittedly, I've been pretty shabby about accepting!). I feel like I have people I could count on if (or is it when?) I need help. They all mean so much to me as well.

But it's eating at me, the fact that those few people I thought I could really count on weren't there for me. I'm not talking about coddling me or holding me up. I'm just talking about checking in every so often and saying. "How's it going?" or "Haven't heard from you in a bit." Even a comment on my stupid little Facebook status or my blog. Whatever.

Sure, I'm needy. I take things too personally. That's just me right now.

One thing is for sure. Glenn has been my rock this last year. I honestly don't know if I could've made it through all this junk without him. He's supported me, been there for me, worked way too much and then come home and picked up all the pieces.  He pushed me to finally go see a counselor and sacrificed his time so I could get on the road to wellness.  He's held me as I cried for no reason at all and he's held me as we laugh about happier times.

This last year has been about self-preservation, about just getting through. I apologize if I wasn't the friend (or fill in the blank) I was "supposed" to be. I just couldn't be

I guess, in short, I'm thankful for the support network I do have. But I mourn for the support network I thought I had.

A Good Day.

"True happiness is...to enjoy the present without anxious dependence on the future."

--Lucius Annaeus Seneca

It's a good day. I can't exactly put my finger on why, but I feel different. It's not just that I'm finally over this ugly flu bug that hit our house. I feel optimistic. It's the first time in a long time.

Maybe I had to hit rock bottom first? I have really been struggling, but somehow this morning I woke up and it was different.

Even though Beanie woke up at 5:45 and snuggled in next to me in bed (luckily Bubby was able to stay asleep until 7:00). Even though Bubby was cranky at the mere thought of being put down for five seconds so I could use the restroom. Even though Bubby gagged and almost threw up on his pancakes. Even though Beanie whacked Bubby in the head with her microphone.

On any other day those things would have made my anxiety creep up and take over. Not today.

Why? I have no idea.

I exercised on Sunday and it felt great. Not only did it feel pretty good physically, but my mood lifted and I had some "me time." I've been taking my vitamins again. My neck and back are feeling better. I'm working through things with my counselor.

Maybe it's just my time?

I'm not sure, but I hope so. This optimism thing is a welcome change.

Small Victories

Most of my current anxiety relates to safety issues. That's always been the case, but it's more prevalent right now with the PPD. One of the worst things right now is driving, especially in traffic or when the weather is bad. We've mostly been staying close to home and avoiding the freeway at all costs. As soon as we're in the car, I think we're going to get in an accident, the kids will get hurt, etc etc. Glenn does most all of the driving. I am anxious even as a passenger. I thin it drives him nuts, but I can't help it. I try.

But, this week I made two trips farther from home than usual and they went well. I didn't panic. I'm always a little anxious in traffic, but I think there's a level of normal I-hate-traffic anxiety and then there's the level I've been at, even in normal driving conditions.

It's the small victories lately that really make me feel like we are having a good week.