Sunday Surf: 01/08

I'm joining Authentic Parenting and Hobo Mama for Sunday Surf. Share your best reading of the week, and link up your post at either blog!
For more great reading, visit Hobo Mama or Authentic Parenting for the latest Sunday Surf and linky.
Happy Surfing!




Slowly but surely I've been getting back in to reading online and this week I've read some good things.

Parenting

• The 5 Building Blocks to Raising Resilient Children -- "We often think our job is to protect our children from tough situations, but in fact, our protection is only protecting us. We don't want to deal with their anger, sadness, and fear. In many cases, we were not allowed these feelings as children so we don't know how to manage our children's feelings. It's easier if they don't have them. When we overly protect our children and try to make them happy, we inadvertently reduce their ability to cope with life's inevitable frustrations and situations beyond their control."
• 25 Rules for Mothers of Sons -- This post, and its counterpart for Fathers of Daughters, has been pinned and repinned on Pinterest. I don't necessarily like how they are targeted towards sons or daughters as I think these are good "rules" for all.
• 10 Commitments That Will Make You a Better Parent -- LOVE this post! "Being a parent is tough.  Most of us feel like we could do a better job, but resolving to be more patient rarely works.  That's because sometimes the first step to being a better parent is actually about how we treat ourselves.  We can only give what we have inside. "

Food & Diet

• The Average American Ate (Literally) A Ton This Year -- 42lbs of corn syrup this last year?? Eeew. Glad to know our family has mostly eliminated that nastiness from our diet.
• Cheeseburger That Stayed Exactly the Same After a Whole Year Raises Alarm -- As a friend said, "Even bacteria won't eat it." 
• Pepsi's Lawsuit Defense: Mountain Dew Would Have Dissolved Mouse Carcass -- Back in the day I worked the graveyard shift and smoked like a chimney. My co-worker gave me a hard time about it and I assured him that I was positive his drinking a six-pack of Mt. Dew each night was quite unhealthy too. I bet him that I could quit smoking and he couldn't quit drinking the Dew. I never smoked again. He was downing soda the next night.

Mental Health

• The Fight Goes On -- One of the most honest posts about depression I have ever read. (warning: could be triggering for some)

Happy reading :)

Is it really the end of 2011?

It's been pretty quiet here. Last year I resolved to add myself to the list of people I took care of. I think I did pretty well with that. I know that I am doing so much better than I was last year at this time. I'm sure weekly therapy sessions for the last 13 months and (later) Zoloft have helped with that. The PPD/PPA has lessened and while I deal with my normal propensity toward anxiety, things are much improved. I feel like I can handle what comes my way.

If last year was about taking care of me, then this year will be about focusing on my marriage and my family. Now that I'm feeling whole again I can work on those other things.

Earlier today I read a friend's status on Facebook and it said that her focus in 2012 was going to be on balance and simplicity. I couldn't have said it better. I also hope to strive toward a more balanced and simple life. I just finished reading Simplicity Parenting and I think it provided some great food for thought. We aren't really over-the-top with our toys or activities, but there are some areas in which I know we could simplify and make things better. First, my cluttered house; both Glenn and I felt better when we had the condo for sale and everything was neat and tidy, and I'd like to get to that place in this house too. I'd like to cut back on being tethered to my phone, Facebook, and (my new love) Pinterest. I have this divine plan of divvying up the household chores into daily, weekly, and monthly tasks. I have a spreadsheet set up and I really think it will make things more manageable for me, especially because I become overwhelmed at the sheer amount of things I feel must get done.

Things have been going well, really well, the last few months. Maybe my quiet made people assume otherwise, but I've just been focusing on what's really important to me. I've been working on getting to the place I want to be in life. I haven't really felt like blogging about it. I've thought of writing in a journal (how old school lol), but haven't really done that either.

I'll wrap up with a list of things I'm looking forward to in 2012:

• Monthly (at least) dates with the hubby (thanks sis for the babysitting coupons for Christmas)
• Planning and starting our backyard garden
• Canning and preserving with my new pressure canner
• Trying out more vegetarian and vegan meals
• Having an organized home
• My work days at Beanie's preschool (since we signed up late I haven't actually had a work day yet)
• Starting some sort of regular exercise again -- I'm thinking yoga and Hubby got me a Kinect and some games for Christmas
• Going more green. As part of our very frugal holidays we made body scrubs for family members. I want to explore making more body care items. I've been using homemade cleaner for a bit here and I LOVE IT.

All right. I think that's it for now. Onward and upward.

Have a safe & happy New Year's Eve.

The Return to Life.

As I said before the theme for September's NaBloPoMo is 'Return.' I found this somewhat fitting for my return to blogging, but, more so, in my recent return to life.

I feel like post-partum depression robbed me of so many things over the last 17 1/2 months. I read a blog post quite awhile back (I think it was on Postpartum Progress, but last time I searched I couldn't find the exact post) about how having PPD made you feel like you were in a bubble floating over everything that was happening in your life. I can definitely relate to that feeling. I doubly kick myself because I don't have too many pictures of Bubby over the last 17 1/2 months. I guess I wonder if, without pictures, I will remember what all occurred while I was in that bubble. I am always thankful that my step-mom has her camera out and ready nearly every time they are over because at least those pictures serve to help me remember. Logically I know that, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Bubby won't grow up and wonder why there aren't a lot of pictures of his first year of life. He will grow up and thrive because of the love and attention he received during this period of time. Still, I have that guilt that the pictures aren't there, that I felt like a spectator in the highest, farthest away seat in the stadium and it was my own life.

At least now I feel like I am an active participant in life. Perhaps not fully to the extent I'd like to be, but we're getting there. I remember dancing with the kids a few weeks ago. Just happily dancing. Not watching them dance. I was there, in the thick of life, and loving it.

******

If you're a regular reader, you've probably noticed I've changed a few things up. New title. New layout. What do you think? If you're visiting from NaBloPoMo, say hi!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

I've had that nagging feeling that I want to write and tinker around with the blog. I hadn't been feeling that way in awhile, but it's sort of been creeping up on my for the last week or so. I want to change a few things, write about a few things, reconnect a bit, and have some fun.

I also saw that the theme for September NaBloPoMo (which, as I've said before is now apparently NaBloPoeachandeveryMo) is 'Return" which seems somewhat fitting, so I'll probably give it a go and see where my writing leads me.

So, I guess I'll play around here for a few days and get to writing. I'll leave you with a bit of an update for now...

I'm still on the Zoloft and it seems to be helping a lot. We've adjusted my dose a bit and things are going well.

While I've been feeling pretty well emotionally, physically has been another thing. About two-and-a-half weeks ago I woke up in immense pain -- joint pain everywhere and muscle pain on top of it. It localized in my right arm and hand, to the point where I couldn't pick up a tortilla chip, grasp my phone or move the mouse without my hand aching terribly. One night on the way home from dinner my lips and tongue were numb. Things have been mentioned that scare me. Fibromyalgia. Progressive neurological disorder. Rheumatoid arthritis. I don't really have a clue what is going on. The pain is gone now and I'm back to just normal neck stiffness. I went to see a general practitioner and they drew a bunch of blood to test. I think they checked everything under the sun -- the general stuff, along with thyroid, iron, vitamin d, potassium, blood sugar, ran a rheum panel, and a few other things I can't remember. I'm waiting to hear the results. So, that really sucks.

I've been working on focusing on me, my marriage, and my children. I worked out in the garden the last couple days (somewhat amazing considering how I felt last week) and have high hopes for a vegetable garden in the next year or so. I know next to nothing about gardening, so I'll have to do my research. We've been working at eating more locally and it doesn't get any more local than your own backyard. I've been reading a lot. Finished Raising Your Spirited Child (which, I swear, the author wrote about Beanie) and am now reading Parenting Beyond Belief. I just ordered Raising Freethinkers with an old Borders gift card I found so I'm excited for that too.

Right now I'm sipping a coconut milk mocha and having some time for myself. I've been trying to be more vigilant at speaking up and taking time for myself, but it's been hit or miss the last few days. It feels nice to be sitting here alone.

It feels nice to be blogging.

A Mish-Mosh of Utter Randomness

Wow, it's been awhile, eh?

Where to start?

******

I started taking Zoloft four weeks ago. After feeling like I would surely lose my damn mind for about 48hours (which, not so awesomely coincided with the preparation for Beanie's party and the party) and feeling like intermittent waves of panic would strike at any time for about a week, I am happy to say that I am feeling better than I have in the last 16.5months. Probably. Still having some ebb and flow (to be expected I suppose) and I'm still on a very low dose. I also have a prescription for Klonopin for panic attacks, but, luckily, have only had to take 1/4 pill. Once.

I wasn't really feeling like blogging during this transition time. It was a difficult decision for me to go on the meds, one I've probably been considering since I started therapy back in December. It was time though. I haven't been the mom, wife, friend, person I've wanted to be in awhile. But, things are looking up. I may talk about it more later. I may not for awhile. I am glad I made this decision because I do think it's helping. I'm hoping it will be the little extra oomph I need to get to doing the things I know will really help me feel better.

******

Beanie's party was a big success. I'm absolutely certain she had a blast. She is already planning her fifth birthday party (and, I think, has been since two days after she turned four).

My little pirate.

******

I've been staying away from virtually all television and computer time in the evenings. I've found that if I read before bed I fall asleep more easily. So nice to not have a busy mind at bedtime. I've also covered up the alarm clock in the room (should probably just get it out of the room all together because we never use it) and it really helps to not have that awkward light in the room during those nighttime nursing sessions (which there have been a lot of lately as Bubby is cutting all four one-year molars at once). I haven't really felt like blogging even until the last few days. I've been trying to focus on myself, my family and the house. I've been reading mostly non-fiction (finished In Defense of Food (loved!!) and am reading Raising Your Spirited Child (Beanie to a T!!)).

******

What else? My neck and back had been feeling pretty good until a set back late last week. I now feel horrible again, at least in my neck. Had a good adjustment at the chiropractor today so I'm hoping things are looking up again soon. Was hoping this would be my last month of going so often and I could just drop in for the next few months until my insurance kicks in again for the new year. We shall see. Maybe I'll win the lotto between now and August 1st? Would help if I played, no?

******

I'll be around more often I hope. I'm here. Just working on taking care of me. I have a little blog project I'm working on (so far I'm just working on it in my head so we'll see what materializes) and I do miss reading others' blogs too.

Until next time....

Quiet.

I'm having a hard time enjoying the peace & quiet that comes during the evenings in which Glenn and the kids are all in bed relatively early.

I should be reveling in the joy of a couple hours to myself, but instead I find myself lonely.

Sad.

Anxious.

Depressed.

I could be scrapbooking, reading, folding clothes, day-dreaming, but instead I just sit.

And stare at the mind-numbing TV (can we just cancel our cable already???).

Or the computer.

I could be blogging and saying something, but instead I feel like nothing is good enough to say.

I mean, who wants to read about this crap?

And the rapture is happening tomorrow and I didn't even get to Flying Apron beforehand.

P.S. The rapture isn't really happening tomorrow.

P.P.S. Maybe soon I'll have something nice to say.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for many things.

Sometimes I feel stuck. In limbo.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Or like a time bomb about to explode.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ninety, not thirty-one. I can barely walk. I'm in so much pain. My head is pounding. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a big fat failure at this parenting thing.

Sometimes I want to get out for some time to myself, but I just don't know where. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even long enough to order a coffee.

Sometimes I look at my daughter, her hair glistening in the sun and smile wide across her face, and wonder how I got so lucky.

Sometimes I look down at my son as he smiles at me while he's nursing and know I wouldn't trade anything for being where I am.

Sometimes I look in to my husband's eyes and know that I couldn't have a better partner in all of this.

Fortunately the good sometimes are starting to outweigh the bad ones.

Friendship & Finding Support in Trying Times

Image credit: paris_corrupted on Flickr

If a year ago you would have told me that I'd have the most difficult year of my life, I would've had a few people in mind who I would've said would really be there for me. The list would've been short, for sure, but I'm sad that most of them haven't been there for me.

I'll be the first to admit I've been a crappy friend (wife, sister, daughter, fill in the blank here) this last year. I don't return calls. I cancel plans. I ignore (or just plain forget about) emails. But, the people who keep reaching out to me? You mean more to me than you could know right now.

I don't know why I've had this on my mind so much lately. Over the last year we've made new friends who have offered support and help many times (although, admittedly, I've been pretty shabby about accepting!). I feel like I have people I could count on if (or is it when?) I need help. They all mean so much to me as well.

But it's eating at me, the fact that those few people I thought I could really count on weren't there for me. I'm not talking about coddling me or holding me up. I'm just talking about checking in every so often and saying. "How's it going?" or "Haven't heard from you in a bit." Even a comment on my stupid little Facebook status or my blog. Whatever.

Sure, I'm needy. I take things too personally. That's just me right now.

One thing is for sure. Glenn has been my rock this last year. I honestly don't know if I could've made it through all this junk without him. He's supported me, been there for me, worked way too much and then come home and picked up all the pieces.  He pushed me to finally go see a counselor and sacrificed his time so I could get on the road to wellness.  He's held me as I cried for no reason at all and he's held me as we laugh about happier times.

This last year has been about self-preservation, about just getting through. I apologize if I wasn't the friend (or fill in the blank) I was "supposed" to be. I just couldn't be

I guess, in short, I'm thankful for the support network I do have. But I mourn for the support network I thought I had.

A Good Day.

"True happiness is...to enjoy the present without anxious dependence on the future."

--Lucius Annaeus Seneca

It's a good day. I can't exactly put my finger on why, but I feel different. It's not just that I'm finally over this ugly flu bug that hit our house. I feel optimistic. It's the first time in a long time.

Maybe I had to hit rock bottom first? I have really been struggling, but somehow this morning I woke up and it was different.

Even though Beanie woke up at 5:45 and snuggled in next to me in bed (luckily Bubby was able to stay asleep until 7:00). Even though Bubby was cranky at the mere thought of being put down for five seconds so I could use the restroom. Even though Bubby gagged and almost threw up on his pancakes. Even though Beanie whacked Bubby in the head with her microphone.

On any other day those things would have made my anxiety creep up and take over. Not today.

Why? I have no idea.

I exercised on Sunday and it felt great. Not only did it feel pretty good physically, but my mood lifted and I had some "me time." I've been taking my vitamins again. My neck and back are feeling better. I'm working through things with my counselor.

Maybe it's just my time?

I'm not sure, but I hope so. This optimism thing is a welcome change.

Small Victories

Most of my current anxiety relates to safety issues. That's always been the case, but it's more prevalent right now with the PPD. One of the worst things right now is driving, especially in traffic or when the weather is bad. We've mostly been staying close to home and avoiding the freeway at all costs. As soon as we're in the car, I think we're going to get in an accident, the kids will get hurt, etc etc. Glenn does most all of the driving. I am anxious even as a passenger. I thin it drives him nuts, but I can't help it. I try.

But, this week I made two trips farther from home than usual and they went well. I didn't panic. I'm always a little anxious in traffic, but I think there's a level of normal I-hate-traffic anxiety and then there's the level I've been at, even in normal driving conditions.

It's the small victories lately that really make me feel like we are having a good week.

Empty.

Void.

Hollow.

Depleted.

Exhausted.

The last few days have been hard. I feel like there is a giant dark cloud hanging over me. Even when the day starts out fairly well the cloud comes and permeates everything. It seems to come with no warning and for no reason. It's just there. I want it gone.

I am lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is my rock. I feel bad for leaning on him so heavily right now, but he is my constant source of support and comfort.

My first counseling appointment is next week. It seems so far away. Dang holiday getting in the way.

It seems there is little that makes me stay happy for long. Before the cloud comes back. But today, it snowed. Just a little, like so little you had to squint to see it most of the time. Beanie was so excited. She was going on and on (and on and on) about the snow. She wanted to put on her snow boots and snow clothes. She was ready to go out and play, to build a snowman. She was singing songs about the snow, the squirrels and birds playing in it, and how happy she was.

I was happy too, really truly happy.

Today I made the call.

I finally called my midwife to get a recommendation for a counselor. I know, I know...I said I was going to do this two weeks ago. But I didn't. The days passed. Things have been going a little better. I feel like I have a better handle on things. Some of the time. I talked with a friend who is going through some of the same things.

There's no shame in reaching out for some help. Sure, I could've done it earlier. I also know better today than tomorrow.

My midwife just called back and they have a list of counselors in the area. I figured that would be a better option than throwing a dart and picking one of the long list my insurance has. I chatted with my midwife and it felt good. I think it will really help to be able to go and talk with someone about all the stuff that's going on.

I haven't shied away from getting help (either psychological or pharmacological) in the past and there's no reason I should now. I would prefer to avoid pharmaceutical medications now and I think seeking help from a counselor is a great first step. I also want to start exercising again. I really need to walk my talk; here I am with a research background in the anti-depressant effects of exercise and doing nothing about it. But, if there's one thing I know about depression, it's the starting to do something about it that's the most important part.

******

And, one year ago today we found out we were having a baby boy. Seems like eons ago.

Just Me, Blathering On...

I don't really have much important to say, so let's see if I can blog about nothing in particular and hold your interest. I'm determined to make it at least one week in NaBloPoMo.

******

I took Bubby in to the pediatrician today. We hardly ever go in except for our well-checks. I was worried he had an ear infection since he'd had a cold and has been super cranky, pulling at his ears, and nursing all night long. The good news is no ear infection! The bad news is these teeth are obviously really bothering him. The top right one cut completely though today (yay!) so I'm hoping teeth 4 ,5, and 6 are also planning to make their appearances shortly.

******

Beanie & Bubby played catch today. With the O-Ball. Well, as much as a three year old and an (almost) eight month old can. It was so neat to see them actually playing together, not just Bubby trying to roll and Beanie trying to show him the way. Or crowding his space.

******

The kids got up at six today (damn you Daylight Saving Time!!!) and we actually had a pretty productive morning. I washed our sheets and comforter, washed pans, vacuumed the living room and hallway, folded some laundry, went to the pediatrician's, went grocery shopping and put our dinner in the crock pot (Indonesian Chicken -- delish!). I'm feeling quite accomplished today. It helps with my depression to really get on a good roll in the mornings, otherwise the days just seem to waste away. Or things come up. You know with two kids things always come up. After this little break, I'm going to finish up a few more chores and I'll feel really good about today.

******

And, totally random, but does anyone have a recipe for bean soup? We got some delicious looking beans at Costco and I want to make some soup.

******

I'm also trying to plan out all our Thanksgiving fare. A lot of things will likely be easily adapted. The one recipe I'm most worried about is the stuffing. Not sure what route I'm going to take with that. I'm going to try our pumpkin pie recipe with coconut milk instead of evaporated milk.  I saw some Sunny Valley Wheat Free pie crusts at PCC and they're also dairy-free & soy-free so I'll probably use those. I'm planning on a few test runs with the recipes so I'll let you know how they turn out.

******

That's it I guess.

What did you do today?

It's been a rough morning.

Oh look, a two-for-one for the first day of NaBloPoMo.

It's been a rough morning. The kind where I wonder if I can keep my sanity in check. The kind where I count the minutes until Glenn will be home from work (and, subsequently, the kind where I'm glad he has a weird work schedule and will be home soon to break up our day).

It hasn't been anything much out of the ordinary. It's pouring which doesn't do much for my mood. I'm envious of the parents who have kids who sleep in after a long and fun-filled evening because mine were still up bright and early. Poor Bubby seems to be working on cutting about three or four teeth. He is uncomfortable and rightfully so. He's in that stage where mommy can't be out of sight for two seconds and, while we can make it work most of the time, let's face it there are times when mommy needs to be out of sight for two seconds. Beanie is having a rough morning too. I'm sure that, to some extent, our moods are playing off each other and that makes me feel even worse. She wants to cuddle and I want to too, but it's hard when there's a baby around that needs all your attention too. She wants to play music and make loud noises, but Bubby is napping (for one of the couple twenty minute cat naps he's taken today).She says, "I don't want to listen!! I don't want to do anything!!!"

I'm glad Glenn is home now. He's cuddling with Beanie, Bubby is napping (maybe for more than twenty minutes this time??) and I can have a few much needed moments to myself.

I find myself feeling guilty that Glenn didn't get to take a nap as he wanted to (because he stayed up late last night for Halloween with the family) because the kiddos were just not having family naptime. I feel guilty the kitchen is a mess and we don't have anything for dinner. I feel guilty I'm still in my pajamas (although with the weather we're having today I can think of no better day for a pajama day). I feel guilty that all my other friends seem to have it together enough to have blogged/facebooked/whatever their Halloween pictures and I am still trying to get them sorted out.

It's been a rough day.

Wordless Wednesday

To say this Autumn has been difficult so far would be an understatement. Between PPD and my strong propensity towards seasonal depression, these last few months have hit me like a double whammie. But, I am happy to say that after a long talk with Glenn I am going to really reach out and seek some help. I'm going to call my midwife this morning and see if she has a counselor she recommends. I kept thinking that if only the colic was over, if only we beat thrush, if only we identified Bubby's food issues, if only, if only, if only. But it hasn't gotten better. Time to give up on the if onlys...

Anyhoo, I tell you all this because we had a really good day last week. We caught a break in the crazy windy, rainy, stormy weather and went to the pumpkin patch.

My Love Hate Relationship with Autumn.

I have all these blog posts started in my head. Some even half-finished here on Blogger. The ones in my head are blogs I feel like I can't just sit down and hammer out in twenty minutes. They're important blogs. To me. And, hopefully, to others. But, I'm frazzled, tired, and probably only have a short bit of time so, instead of meaningful commentary I am going to provide you with some rambly blog vomit.

******

I have a love-hate relationship with Autumn. I love the leaves changing colors, the pumpkin patches, and the crisp sunny fall days. I love pretty much any baked good with pumpkin added in, cider, and drooling over thinking about Thanksgiving. I hate the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer. I hate the dark settling in earlier and earlier. It sucks.

I've suffered from depression in the past. Seasonal depression too. I live in just about the worst place ever for seasonal depression. When I was working I'd often go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. In the past I've used one of those lights (think prescription strength) to help with my depression. It hasn't been a problem in recent years, but I can feel it creeping up on me this year. It seems the darkness just snuck right up on us. Like one day I looked outside at 7pm and it was pitch black. What the heck??? At least it's not dark at four. Yet.

I'm trying to make the most of the things I enjoy about Fall and take the shorter days in stride. Time if flying by so quickly; before I know it Winter will be upon us and the days will slowly but surely be getting longer again.

******

Beanie started art class again yesterday. The teacher was helping the students rinse out their bowls. She had the water running while she went back and forth from the table to the sink, grabbing each kid's bowl. Beanie cried out, "Hey!!! She's wasting water!"

Ah. My little environmentalist.

******

Today we met with some new friends to talk about home-preschooling. We had met them once before, but it was fun. I think it'll light a fire under my lazy butt behind to collaborate with someone else. As I've stated before, we largely follow an unschooling philosophy, but I do want to dedicate some time to working on certain things.

We had a really good time with our friends. Until the end. Cue a baby and preschooler who both woke up too early and were much, much too tired. Beanie threw her half-naked self down on the ground in the bathroom and was inconsolable. It was just melt-down central. We even tried a little quiet time to calm down, but I think she was just beyond the point of no return. I know all moms have been-there-done-that (or I assure you that someday you will be), but it's sort of embarrassing. Especially the first time you go to someone's house.

Better luck next time!

******

I'm going to make some apples for Bubby. I made sweet potatoes the other day. I forgot how much more work they are to make than the pears were. At least to get them to the right consistency. It probably didn't help that they only had very small organic sweet potatoes at the store so it seemed like a lot of effort for a small amount of cubes.

He does seem to be fairly interested in baby food. I wouldn't say he ever eats more than 1 cube. A lot of time probably not even that much. Sometimes he lunges forward reaching for the spoon with his mouth wide open -- it's so cute! We'll keep up with it. So far no reactions to anything. We're well versed in taking it slow with baby food since Beanie wasn't really interested at all until she was older.

******

My bangs are finally grown out. They're about to my chin which is where I wanted them so I could chop my hair. I guess there's really no point in keeping it long for ponytails seeing as how Bubby either just sucks on my ponytail (eeeeew!) or grabs the tiny little hairs that aren't held back. It's been over a year that I've been growing my bangs out. Finally they're where I wanted them. And, you know what, now I have some wild idea that maybe I should cut bangs again.

Someone knock some sense into me.

******

That's it. I promise a return to more meaningful blogging soon.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

So, did you miss me?

Just kidding.

Actually, it feels like I haven't blogged in forever, but it really hasn't been that long. I've been doing some thinking, reevaluating, and et cetera. Blogging just hasn't fit in.

There are a few reasons for this.

I have a life. Like a real one. Not the one that involves me checking things ten million times a day on the computer. And, honestly, handling things in my real life is just taking precedence over all this online crap. Twitter was fun. Facebook is fun. I LOVE to blog. I love my online friends. But, I can't be sitting around being hurt because people didn't comment on my blog, laugh at my tweet, or comment on my facebook stuff. That stuff, while sometimes extremely fun and time-wasting is not my life. I need to focus on the things that are important and that's my husband (happy 8th anniversary honey!), my children, and forging relationships with people in real life who support me and reciprocate my friendship.

I'm not really sure where I want to go with my blog. Do I want to continue as a diary of my adventures in mommyhood? A platform for providing information to other moms? I really liked writing my Examiner articles, but, for reasons that will remain unsaid, I'm really not going anywhere with that right now. I love researching things and providing information though; could that be incorporated here more so than it has been in the past? Do I want to give stuff away? Amass hundreds of followers? Post lots of recipes? Network with other bloggers? Are people actually interested in reading about our day-to-day happenings? Where can I go so that it will continue to be enjoyable for me and for my readers?

I'm depressed. And anxious. There I said it. I've felt it pervading my life for a good amount of time here. They say that moms have the hardest time admitting it. They feel like they should be able to have a handle on everything. That they should be able to get it together. That it will get better. They just need to try harder. Well, I've tried all those things and it's sort of gone to pot. I'm sad. Lonely. My anxiety (which centers on safety-type of things -- the house burning down, the kids and hubby being safe, etc etc) is at a level it hasn't been at in years. I'm checking things. Like I check the doors are locked. Sometimes when I get the kids into the car I run back and check again because that's how my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifest. It's not as bad as it has been in the past. Before it was the oven, the coffee pot, the doors, the list could go on and on. I could drive and be halfway to work and have to turn around and double check the oven was off or the front door was locked. I don't know why I'm really sharing all this, perhaps it's a bit cathartic?

I have a three year old. Which, in and of itself, should really be enough, lol. But, I also have an infant. And a husband. And, oh, there's me that needs to be taken care of as well.

I don't know if this all is post-partum depression or anxiety or what. I have a history of depression & anxiety so maybe it's just rearing it's ugly head again? The timing is awesome too (said oh so facetiously) because fall and winter are approaching and seasonal depression usually hits me a little even when I am at my best. So, it's time to get things in order. Time to worry about the important things and find the support system I need. Not the time to worry about who is (or isn't) reading my blog, keeping up with my on Facebook and et cetera. If you want in, you're in. I'll try to reciprocate as best I can right now. Right now I feel like I'm barely hanging on some days. We have a lot going on here between Glenn's work, Beanie's toddler-ness, and Bubby's food intolerances.

The last six months have been hard. I'm really ready for things to turn around over the next six months. Gosh, hopefully sooner!

Apologies in Advance...

...if I'm not around as much as I have been.

Apparently I have quite a few subluxations in my spine. I'm all sorts of messed up from my neck all the way down my spine. My neck is really bad. The curvature to my spine is gone (and even tilted forward a bit) and some of the vertebrae are showing signs of degeneration. The chiropractor kept asking (again) if I'd ever had a bad car accident or trauma.

I have chiropractic treatments scheduled for the next sixteen weeks to fix the problems that are presenting right now and to try and fix and eliminate the underlying problems I have so the pain doesn't come back. I don't know why I'm so surprised. My mom has a horrible back. She's gone to a chiropractor for as long as I can remember.

It hurts to sit at the computer right now. Basically it hurts to do just about anything. I can't wear Bubby which is killing me. It's hard to hold him and comfort him. I can't pick up Beanie. I can't really do anything.

I am feeling a ton better already, but I'm really ready to be feeling 100%.

Bubby has been cranky lately. He has been having hives off and on. I just can't figure out what's going on with him. Is there another allergy or intolerance that we're missing? Is he just in a cranky stage? Teething? Growing? Etc?

It's hard to get out of the house. I'm feeling down. Anxious. Not being able to use the Moby or Ergo makes things ten times harder because that's how we're used to getting out and about.

I just want a break. Really. Is that too much to ask? The colic. The thrush. The intolerances. Glenn's work. Anxiety. My back. Can a lady catch a break here?

I feel guilty we haven't been doing as much. Beanie wants to get out. The house looks like crap. Glenn has been working so much and then helping out at home. It's times like these I wish some of our completely crazy family lived a bit closer. Then I think about how nuts I would be if they really did live closer.

At least I'll be getting a little me time for the next sixteen weeks. I'm going in four times a week for the next two weeks, then three times a week for ten weeks and then once a week for four weeks.

Ah. Me time. At the chiropractor's office. Gotta love it.

Boo. I'm just not feeling the love right now. Anywhere.

I'm just lonely, in pain and ready for a break from all this craziness.