So, did you miss me?
Actually, it feels like I haven't blogged in forever, but it really hasn't been that long. I've been doing some thinking, reevaluating, and et cetera. Blogging just hasn't fit in.
There are a few reasons for this.
I have a life. Like a real one. Not the one that involves me checking things ten million times a day on the computer. And, honestly, handling things in my real life is just taking precedence over all this online crap. Twitter was fun. Facebook is fun. I LOVE to blog. I love my online friends. But, I can't be sitting around being hurt because people didn't comment on my blog, laugh at my tweet, or comment on my facebook stuff. That stuff, while sometimes extremely fun and time-wasting is not my life. I need to focus on the things that are important and that's my husband (happy 8th anniversary honey!), my children, and forging relationships with people in real life who support me and reciprocate my friendship.
I'm not really sure where I want to go with my blog. Do I want to continue as a diary of my adventures in mommyhood? A platform for providing information to other moms? I really liked writing my Examiner articles, but, for reasons that will remain unsaid, I'm really not going anywhere with that right now. I love researching things and providing information though; could that be incorporated here more so than it has been in the past? Do I want to give stuff away? Amass hundreds of followers? Post lots of recipes? Network with other bloggers? Are people actually interested in reading about our day-to-day happenings? Where can I go so that it will continue to be enjoyable for me and for my readers?
I'm depressed. And anxious. There I said it. I've felt it pervading my life for a good amount of time here. They say that moms have the hardest time admitting it. They feel like they should be able to have a handle on everything. That they should be able to get it together. That it will get better. They just need to try harder. Well, I've tried all those things and it's sort of gone to pot. I'm sad. Lonely. My anxiety (which centers on safety-type of things -- the house burning down, the kids and hubby being safe, etc etc) is at a level it hasn't been at in years. I'm checking things. Like I check the doors are locked. Sometimes when I get the kids into the car I run back and check again because that's how my obsessive compulsive tendencies manifest. It's not as bad as it has been in the past. Before it was the oven, the coffee pot, the doors, the list could go on and on. I could drive and be halfway to work and have to turn around and double check the oven was off or the front door was locked. I don't know why I'm really sharing all this, perhaps it's a bit cathartic?
I have a three year old. Which, in and of itself, should really be enough, lol. But, I also have an infant. And a husband. And, oh, there's me that needs to be taken care of as well.
I don't know if this all is post-partum depression or anxiety or what. I have a history of depression & anxiety so maybe it's just rearing it's ugly head again? The timing is awesome too (said oh so facetiously) because fall and winter are approaching and seasonal depression usually hits me a little even when I am at my best. So, it's time to get things in order. Time to worry about the important things and find the support system I need. Not the time to worry about who is (or isn't) reading my blog, keeping up with my on Facebook and et cetera. If you want in, you're in. I'll try to reciprocate as best I can right now. Right now I feel like I'm barely hanging on some days. We have a lot going on here between Glenn's work, Beanie's toddler-ness, and Bubby's food intolerances.
The last six months have been hard. I'm really ready for things to turn around over the next six months. Gosh, hopefully sooner!