Friday, May 23, 2008

How do you do it with 2?

Today hubby asked when we were going to TTC #2. We have talked about later this summer or fall, but I am really having mixed feelings about it right now. Lately every day has seemed like a challenge to me. I feel like a failure at keeping up with the daily grind. I can't get Alexa into a good nighttime sleep habit (although, admittedly I still have never gone balls-to-the-wall all out with it). I know I am extra stressed with trying to handle the everyday things and the remodeling & I am hoping it will improve once the remodeling and moving is done and over with. As I try to find the time to take a shower in the mornings I wonder how would that time arise when I am caring for two little ones? When hubby is working these long 12 hour days, going to bed at 4 or 5 pm and I am trying to figure out dinner for Beans and I, I wonder how I would feed Beans her dinner and attend to a newborn as well. I doubt my ability to be a good mommy to two children. Somehow, and this is probably faulty thinking, but I think it would all be easier if hubby was around in the evenings sometimes. I feel like maybe I wouldn't have allowed her to sleep in my arms all evening, maybe she would not scream and throw a tantrum when I tried to put her in the pack and play so I could go to the bathroom, maybe she would nap in her crib. I don't I type this out it all sounds completely unreasonable and illogical. But, I guess what it boils down to is that I am having so many doubts about my successes at this time that it is hard to imagine being successful as a mother of two.

I KNOW I want another child. And, as silly as it sounds, I know we would make it work. There are a lot of things I have learned these last ten months that would help me greatly the second time around. Maybe its the stress of the remodel. Maybe its that with all this work around the house and hubby's long days that I can hardly find the time to take a shower. Or that I forgo taking a shower in the morning so I can take care of some chores instead.

I felt bad when I told hubby I had mixed feelings about it. I think that was unexpected. And, seeing as how we were in the car on the way home from the grocery store and he shortly had to go to bed, we still haven't really talked to much about it. I want our children to be close together in age. While I always have said I wanted a boy and a girl, I think it would be fun for Beans to have a little sister and secretly hope they would be as close as my sister and I.

I guess I just need to sort things through in my head. I have been having a tough time lately and that just makes me doubt myself even more. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that I am an awesome mom and doing the very best I can!

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