Letting go.

If you've read Beanie's birth story you know that I had a pretty great experience. In fact, this whole pregnancy I've had a worry in the back of my mind that somehow this labor and delivery could never live up to the experience I had before. I'm trying to (and have been pretty successful at) letting go of this fear because I know it isn't doing my any good. I'm trying to envision things going even better than they did with Beanie's birth and that is doing my mind good. Let's face it, labor is unpredictable. There are many things that could happen. I can't worry about each and every one of them because it will drive me batty.

See, I wasn't really dead-set on a natural birth with Beanie. Sure, I really wanted one. I desired one even more after going through our hospital birth classes (our hospital is pretty NCB friendly and was very well-balanced in the information they provided at our class). I lurked on a natural birth message board. But, I didn't really prepare. To be honest, I wasn't knowledgable about all the interventions and this and that. I had a let's-see-how-this-goes mindset. It served me well. I labored at home for almost 10 or 11 hours and then headed in to the hospital (well, actually to my OB's because contractions still really weren't regular). I was elated to find out I was already dilated quite a bit. I had Beanie about 5 hours after I arrived at the hospital. It was a remarkable experience.

This time I am dead-set on a natural delivery, barring any unforseen circumstances of course. I have done a lot of reading (remember, I'm a dork!) and found quite a bit of support online. The natural birth message board I lurked on has become a place that I post. I am committed and I know my body can do it. But...

there are all those "what ifs."

I think the "what ifs" are compounded by the fact that I also have another child to worry about. Not only does Glenn have to get home in time (and since Beanie was posterior I do worry that a properly positioned baby might result in a faster and easier labor), but our caretaker for Beanie has to be able to get here fairly quickly. I'm not wanting to head to the hospital really early on, but I don't want to wait too long either. Luckily we live about ten minutes tops away from the hospital. I worry about Beanie sleeping while we're gone. She's doing a lot better, but she still wants Mommy to put her down every night. She still wakes up once and wants a cuddle. I'm sure she'll do fine; if all goes well I hope to be released in under 24 hours again. And we'll be really close so Glenn could always head home if needed.

I thought it might do me a world of good to just write out my worries & "what ifs" and let them go. For the most part they are out of my control anyways and we all know it does no good to worry about things you can't control anyways. I've been meaning to meditate a little and try to let go some more. I really should. It's hard to find the time for much of anything lately, but it is important for me to let go.

--What is 2.0 is breech, traverse, or posterior?

--What if there is some other emergent situation?

--What if 2.0 is properly positioned and my body doesn't like "normal" labor as much as back labor?

--What if Glenn is stuck at work and has a hard time getting home quickly?

--What is Sissy can't get here in time for Beanie?

--What if my labor progresses a lot faster than last time and I don't get to hospital in time?

--What if I hate my nurse? (lol, already decided she'll be fired!)

--What if I need a c-section?

See, do you think I'm a neurotic pregnant lady yet???

And that's just my labor and delivery "what ifs." Then there's the whole transition to a family of four, which, from everyone I've talked to, is pretty difficult. Difficult in a good-in-the-long-run way.

Anyway, I'm letting go, trying to envision my ideal birth experience and go from there. As a good friend said, "You, my dear, will be just fine."