Conflicted.

One day when Beans was about 6 weeks old I realized the ease of comfiness of cosleeping. One night she was hungry & just brought her to bed with me, she nursed and we fell asleep together. I don't really understand the big deal that people make out of cosleeping. If you don't want to do it, don't. Beans isn't going to be sleeping with me until she's ready to head off for college. Someday she will sleep in her own bed. For the last 9 1/2 months I have loved cosleeping with her and wouldn't change it for anything. It has been easier for us; we both sleep better. Granted, now that she is bigger it is a little hard to get so comfy on that small twin bed in her room as she takes up a lot more room. Admittedly, I probably never would've started cosleeping if my husband didn't work at night. It wasn't something I set out to do. It was something we had discussed as something we wouldn't do. But, there it was...that one night and the realization that both Beans and I could get a lot more sleep this way. Most animals sleep with their young. I find it odd that there is such emphasis in American society that a young infant should be placed in their crib in a room by themselves to sleep. I don't think this practice is so prevalent in other socieities and definitely not with other mammals. So, yes we cosleep. It works for us.

The thing that isn't working is that when Beans was about 5 or 6 months old she decided it wasn't as fun to sleep in her crib for the period of time between her bedtime and mine. While we were cosleeping for most of the night, there was a good period of time that I could lay her down in the crib at her bedtime and then have some time to myself for a few hours until I went to bed. She would sleep soundly and rarely wake up. Maybe a little stirring her and there, but she would sleep for a good 4 hours or so in her crib. And I could have a little time to myself. It was, in one word, amazing & just what I needed. Until she decided that wasn't so great anymore. Something changed and somehow I found myself getting into the bad habit of letting her sleep in my arms until I went to bed. And that is the way it has stayed. Now that she's going to bed earlier, I have been letting her sleep in my arms for a good 3-4hours before I go to bed myself. Here's the thing -- I can't take it anymore! I need Beans to sleep in her crib or pack & play until I go to bed. I need that time to myself. And she needs to be able to sleep without being in my arms or snuggled up right next to me. I love it at night when I am asleep too, but during the day I need that time. I need to tidy up around the house, I need to be able to spend time with my husband, I need to scrapbook,read, listen to music (okay, loose translation of need on that last one, but you know what I mean).

I have come to the realization that in order for Beans to sleep in her crib for naps and for the time between her bedtime and mine she is likely going to need to be in her crib ALL night. For her, its either all or nothing. She made that clear 4 or 5 months ago. I am so jealous of the mommies who write about their babes sleeping in their cribs for the first part of the night and then snuggling into bed with them later. I want the best of both worlds too. I still might attempt the crib parttime thing & see how it goes. In my mind, that would work best. We'll see what Beanie thinks.

I cannot let her Cry-It-Out (no offense intended if that is your practice, but that does not, will not work for me) so a while back I bought The No Cry Sleep Solution. We'll see if that works. I am going to establish her routine starting on Sunday and see where we go from there. I know it will be hard in the beginning, but the rewards will be great. I think it makes it harder because she sleeps wonderfully in my arms. Seriously. I know when we start transitioning to the crib she will wake much more often. I suppose that is the price to pay. I tried the "you're going down in your crib no matter what" at the beginning of March but I only lasted one night. We started her routine that night...she was up until 3 in the morning when I caved and brought her to bed with me. I wasn't on board. Her routine wasn't established before we moved to the crib. I couldn't do it. I need to realize it is going to be a slow process. I need to be on board fully. I need the support of my husband, even though he isn't home to help at the time.

I know she won't sleep as well for awhile as I am changing it up on her. That is what makes it the hardest. If she slept like crap with me then it would be easy to try and change it. Save the nights when my hubby is home and the three of us sleep together, she sleeps very well. Very well if she's in my arms, in my bed...you get it. In order to change the "where" of her sleep I imagine the quality is going to have to change for a bit as well. That is what conflicts me. What else conflicts me is how much I have come to love cosleeping with her. For now, I can sleep on the twin bed in her room right next to the crib. I am hoping that will make things easier as well.

Well, wish me luck. I think my conflicted brain has finally made a decision and I am hoping that the transition will be smooth for all involved.