Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Two Moms.

No, they're not gay.

Although lately I have the feeling that would be easier to explain to a three year old.

When I was 14 (?) my parents got divorced. My dad quickly got remarried. BUT I've never considered my stepmom my mom. At all. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that our families were friends while my parents (and my stepmom & her husband) were still married. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that my stepmom would call and ask us if my mom was home when she knew she wouldn't be and then just ask to hang out with me, my sister and my dad. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that my dad chose his new wife over his children and we didn't speak for a long while.

All of that is in the past though. I do get along with my stepmom and my dad just fine now. Sure, the relationship has its awkwardness but, for the most part, it's as normal as a relationship with your parents can be. They see the kids more than any of the grandparents since my dad is in town for business at least once a month.

Beanie was convinced my stepmom is my mom. I tried to explain that, no, Grandma L was my stepmom. That the other Grandma L was my mom. The concept of divorce is lost on Beanie. I'm glad she doesn't understand that right now. I try to explain that my mom and dad used to be married to each other, but now they are married to other people. I tell her that it means she gets an extra set of grandparents.

I don't think she really gets it. I suppose if the circumstances were different I really wouldn't care that Beanie thought I had "two moms." But, the way it all went down (even though it was over 15 years ago) makes it that I don't want Beanie to think my stepmom is my mom. It isn't really that big of a deal I guess. I'm sure in time she will understand better.

Do you have step-parents? How do you explain those relationships to your young children?


  1. Beanie is a smart cookie! Scotty hasn't figured it out yet...My parents are divorced and my husband is adopted, so he has multiple grandma's and great grandma's. I guess he just thinks it's normal? My dad's girlfriend is just Heidi to him, my mom's new husband became Poppy without my permission though and I'm still a little upset about that. I think Scotty may have said something once about Heidi being my mom and I explained she was grandpa's special lady friend and it hasn't come up since.

  2. You know, I haven't even dealt with this at all, mostly because Ella has never asked. She has Grandma and Grandpa G (DH's parents), Grandma and Grandpa K (my mom and stepdad), Grandad and Kim (my Dad and his partner), and Yia Yia (my dad's second ex-wife, whom I am still close with, even though she's not technically part of my family anymore!) I'm sure it will get easier for them to understand once they are older, but for now, Ella is quite content to have plenty of grandparents to go around. I think the mom/dad relationships all around are still a bit blurry to her.

  3. Alex hasn't figured out yet that his daddy has two "moms." In large part, I think that's because we refer to Tom's mom as Grandma, and Tom's stepmom by another nickname (which actually all her grandkids use), so he doesn't really recognize that they're in the same relationship, you know?

  4. That's a good question. I haven't come up with our answer yet.

  5. I don't have step-parents and neither does Chris, but my dad had a stepdad who I consider to be my grandfather. He married my grandmother when my dad was 12 and his biological father always lived far away so we didn't see him as often. I honestly don't remember how or when my parents explained it to me, but I don't remember ever being confused. I'm assuming they explained it much the way you did. I think it may have been easier b/c it was dads so the names helped attach my dad to his biological father. I still consider his stepdad to be more my grandfather and Liam (William) is named after him.

  6. It hasn't come up yet, K hasn't figured it out, but I'm dreading trying to explain it. My mom and dad have been separated as long as I can remember, but legally are still married (working on the divorce, bloody paperwork!). My dad has a girlfriend of 10 odd years whom I have met once. I don't think he's even figured out that the IL's are his dad's mom and dad!

  7. That's okay - when I'm talking about Dad and L I say "My dad and his wife" and when I'm talking about Mom and C I say "My parents". L will never be looked at as a mother figure by me and C obviously knows me better than dad does so he kinda fits in as more of a parent than dad does.

  8. We don't have any grandparents that are together so it is not an issue in our family...

    My step-dad died 6 years ago... but the question would have probably come up if he was still around.

    Only DH's dad has a girlfriend and she has only been around since DH was an adult so she is not really seen as a step-parent.


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