Friday, May 29, 2009

Tired, but not ready to sleep.

So, what the hell, I might as well put some of these thoughts flowing through my mind down on this blog.

Today was a rough day. I am stressed and just so over this whole moving thing. Beanie has been a normal almost two year-old, but normal toddler behavior is enough to drive me batty lately. Glenn has been doing so much work around the house that I think he forgets that I might want two seconds to myelf. He's upset about a lot of things. I am too. I feel unsupported in almost everything I do with Beanie. We got in a big long talk about cosleeping yadayada. I know I changed the "plan" when I started cosleeping with Beanie. I know it wasn't something we thought we would do before Beanie was born. But, I also know I can't change any of that now (and I wouldn't either). My views on parenting have changed and cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, and other AP point-of-views have become very important to me and pretty much central to how I choose to parent Beanie. The problem is that we aren't a team as parents. We are divided. And both of us feel unsupported.

We are working on transitioning Beanie to her own bed. Or I am. As Glenn said today, you dig your own grave so you can lie in it. Yea, thanks for the, um, support. I feel like we are making good progress. She is falling asleep after nursing, opposed to during nursing. For her naps (as haphazard as they have been) she hasn't been nursing at all. She is sleeping by herself in her bed right now. When she wakes we have been cuddling back to sleep as opposed to nursing back to sleep. I re-introduced her lovie George the giraffe and she holds and plays with him while nursing.

He doesn't think I'm going to do it. Even when I told him I planned on transitioning her after we moved into the new house he said he didn't believe me. The thing is I wanted to be settled a bit here before just throwing her into her bed by herself. I wanted the baby gate here so we could block off the hall. I wanted the master bedroom not to have tools, nails, and etc all over the floor because I do imagine she's going to wake up and venture into our room. I do have a plan and, so far, all seems to be going pretty well. Except for the whole supportive husband part.

So Glenn, if you read this (which I'd bet you won't) just believe me. I know you didn't sign up for my crunchy parenting style, but I feel like you think you have all the answers to a game you've never even played. I know your work schedule prohibits you from nighttime parenting. I know that. And I don't resent you for it. I do resent that you aren't supportive of me, or how we move forward from here. And we are making progress which is good because, you know what, I miss sleeping next to you too.

And, I don't know how many AP-ers there are that read this blog, but do you have any advice or words of wisdom for me? I try to understand Glenn's point-of-view and why he feels the way he does. I wish I could make him understand mine. I feel like I've done the research on these things and they are important to me. If he would just try to listen, or even if he did some of his own research...even if he came up with a different conclusion at least I would feel like he backed it up somehow. Is there anyone else out there who transformed into a different type of parent than they imagined and their significant other thinks totally differently? I am really struggling here...

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