My evolution.

Not that kind of evolution.

Although I am much more of a Big Bang type of girl than a the-world-was-created-in-seven-days type girl.

I'm talking about my evolution as a mom. The evolution of my blog. They very closely mirror one another.

When I started this blog I was tired (hence the URL). I was stressed. I was conflicted. I was buying into the assumption that my dear little girl should sleep on her own in her own room. That I shouldn't hold her sleeping in my arms every night until I was ready to lay down myself. That she shouldn't have to nurse to sleep. That she should be sleeping through the night. Those societal assumptions made me feel like I must be doing something wrong.

But, I wasn't. I was following my instincts. I was doing what worked for us. Once I accepted that fact (and, indeed, fully embraced it) I was happy. My little girl slept better next to me. I slept better next to her. She did need to nurse to sleep -- maybe not for nourishment, but most definitely for comfort. And, really, when you're breastfeeding the line between the two is often blurred and doesn't really need to be distinguished.

There was no need for us to wean at one. Or even two. We would wean when we were both ready. Luckily, in our case, the timing aligned very well.

Now I'm a mom of two. I don't have the anxiety or worry about whether I'm doing things in the way the majority of our society approves of. I do things the way that works for us. The way that feels right to me and my family. This doesn't amount to judgment of how others choose to parent and I wish, at times, I didn't feel so judged or ostracized for how I choose to parent (although, recently I have met more and more people who parent similarly and it does make things easier). Bubby is a more independent sleeper than Beanie was, but we cosleep. He naps on his own which is something Beanie didn't care to do for quite a long time. I sleep better with him sleeping next to us. Since Bubby is a better sleeper, Glenn does too. We nurse on demand. He often nurses to sleep. Unlike Beanie (who would stay latched on all night if I'd let her), Bubby often pops off when he's done and falls asleep. I hold him in my arms every night until I lay down. I comfort him immediately when he's fussy or upset.

And this time around I don't question any of it. It is a much better feeling, being confident in how you are parenting, knowing you are doing what's best for your child, not worrying about what others think. It's freeing. It's allowed me to evolve into a better mom. A better person.

This blog has closely chronicled all these things for me. It's helped me sort things out in my head. It's helped me meet people who are supportive and encouraging. I hope it has also helped others. I usually blog about what the "big issue" in my life is at the time. Lately what has consumed me is the elimination diet and trying to identify just what has been going on with Bubby. Who knows what will be next? I feel like I'm finding my groove though and I like it.